I have had and heard numerous discussions on views and opinions. Each person tries to explain his or her point of view. Finally, it does come down to one thing, how much do we respect another person's efforts or accept that they are struggling wth their problems. I write today in the context of Indian family dynamics. However. this is probably true in any situation where there are large groups of people living and working together. As a society, we do not reward people who achieve their goals work efficiently and try to do their best without moaning. We take advantage of their stiff upper lip and expect more and more of them. So basically we would bring society down to the lowest common denominator. If someone moans about how hard life is they get help and sympathy. Another person in the family or team might have had a harder deal but because they do not fuss they are not supported and not respected. If ever God forbid they drop one of the numerous balls they are juggling, all of hell's fury is heaped on them. Nobody looks at past achievements or efforts only the current errors are seen. Sometimes lip service is paid to the wonderful person they are, but no support is forthcoming. So what are we teaching our children? Moan and groan and do the minimum and people will applaud and say how well you have held up in the circumstances. Work quietly without a fuss and use minimum resources and you will neither get the support or the respect you deserve.
We teach our children this lesson very early and most societies give women a raw deal in this. As children, we are expected to be mature, responsible and share everything with our brothers, even if they take a Lion's share of the resources. At work, we must work smarter and harder and male colleagues still take the credit. If we do not put the team ahead of personal gain we are not team players. If men do this they are go-getters. Whether it is at home or at work selfishness wins most of the time. So what is the solution? Firstly, mothers have to learn to stand firm and be as fair as possible. Secondly, teach your girls that the team is important but you are the most important person. If you do not love yourself nobody will. If you do not respect yourself nobody will. So do not be a doormat. Listen and respect other women first and do not let anyone create problems in your team be it at work or at home. In a relationship do not sacrifice yourself completely for the other person because it is expected. Demand respect and use all the resources you need. If you are not asked do not do anything extra, because anything that is given freely is not respected. Yet if you do get something from someone, acknowledge and appreciate it. Giving credit where it is due does not make you a lesser person, but don't give away the credit due to you. Stand with your sisters whether they are blood sisters or not but walk away if you are not respected.
The reason for this rant is that I have noticed giving becomes one way if boundaries are not put in place. Parents, partners, children, colleagues, friends all take advantage of people's good nature. Women who elect to stay home with the children get put down and taken advantage of. They are seen as lowly workers who have no right to expect any rewards or respect. But really they might be juggling a whole lot of things and do not get paid for it. Eldercare, child care, home care, entertaining cooking, shopping, etc is all done. Spouses drop demands on them, saying you are not at work. So what if the woman is not bringing home money. She compensates by doing a huge amount of work which if paid for will be too expensive for the family. I have heard rants about people being lazy about not going to work. Sometimes, the person may not have a choice or has made that choice due to circumstances.
Having said all of the above, the point I was trying to make is that the grass is always greener on the other side. People who choose to run the home feel that they have a 24/7 job. People who work outside feel pressured because they are wage earners. What we fail to realize that it is a team and boundaries have to be set. When the giving is imbalanced the cart will overturn sometime. Respect is the key. Respect for oneself and for others.
Remember do unto others what you would want them to do to you but if others do not reciprocate walk away. Most importantly try to be kind and try not to let other's people opinions of you define you.
