How much can parents expect their children to do?

I was reading a newspaper article on the great wave of loneliness experienced by parents of adult children in this generation. It says that parents are being left alone to fend for themselves while children move away and lead their own lives. It also says that those children are selfish and are only looking out for themselves and have forgotten all their parents have done for them. They have taken all their resources and have now abandoned them. I beg to differ in one fundamental way! we have to change our attitude as a society. Young people in our country are already burdened with pressures that simply did not exist earlier. our parents did lead simpler lives, were in joint families, and had a lot of cheap help available. Our parents had one or a maximum of two children, so the burden of taking care of the older generation is spread amongst a smaller group. Added to that, we are unable to get help, even when we are ready to pay for it and if our parents' attitude is that we cannot move then how is the child able to work their jobs and care for their parents.  This generation is struggling with parochial attitudes, the need for the women to work outside the home and work within,, male partners who believe that they need not lift a finger, and mothers of men who expect their daughters-in-law to work outside, and give them luxuries, and allow the parents in law to treat them like slaves. 

There are two or three factors at work here. One, parents cannot treat their children as their slaves or property anymore, two, the children did not ask for what you gave them willingly. You did it for bragging rights so stop expecting them to treat you like God, three, learn to be independent, and be proud of it. We need to have financial planning in advance, have an end-of-life plan, and have a sunny attitude to life. Of course, a whole lot of this is dependent on your financial and educational status. However, I have seen so many well-educated women and men who want to cling to the outdated mode of "my children have to care for me even as the parent has just crossed 50".  For example, take my mother-in-law, her plan in life to get all the attention was to flap around helplessly although she is a university graduate. Only because she wanted to feel important and order people around. Now because she was so awful and her behavior deteriorated she does not have the support she would have had if she had behaved well. Unfortunately, her way is the norm. I was told by another member of my husband's family, that she does not want to take an initiative because then her husband would not do anything. 

The point I am trying to make here is that we have to change attitudes. Children should not be forced to give up their dreams because you can't get your act together. My mother-in-law had huge support. In contrast, I need to do everything myself including catering for a 50 people dinner party at least once a month in which I have to do everything. I don't have the luxury of a cook and a driver so have no energy or patience to hear the whining of a 60 year old woman who can't be bothered to pick up the phone and sort out a salon appointment.

Senior citizen communities where your basic needs are met and a community feel is there must be encouraged. Why should my parent feel tied down by my schedule just because they are staying with me.? Similarly why cant children enjoy their youth without having to feel guilty about their parents' entertainment constantly?

Another really difficult thing is that women are expected to care for their in-laws but what about their own parents? If they are only children or have no brothers what happens?  Do people understand the huge crushing burden of this?  

So please before passing judgment on another generation step back and think. We have to rebuild societal structures to cater to the changing situations and needs of society. let people make themselves useful. There is so much a senior citizen can contribute if they stop thinking that their age entitles them to be disrespectful, rude, and a general pain and instead think about how they can enhance their own lives and that of the society around them by being useful in some way.  

My rant can go on and on because there has to be a fundamental change in our society's thought process. If we can make ourselves independent of our children in our minds, plan for our old age, and think about how we can contribute to society then many of these issues will be solved. I for one have told my child, that I expect her to do what she can out of love not out of duty, our expectations as parents are only this. We birthed her, educated her, and took care of her because we chose to do that. That is our duty and we cannot force our choices on her. 

Parenting a teenager

 A teenager! the very word bring terror to the hearts of parents everywhere in the world. The mood swings, the rebellion, the anger, and the angst, the thought of all that leaves parents shaking in their shoes. A parenting guru once commented it is a trial by fire and one which teaches you how many reservoirs of patience, love, and acceptance you hold within you.

So what can we do to make it easier for us and for the child? I think a lot of times mothers are going through menopause around the time the children are teens. If one looks at many religious and philosophical texts one realises that in most situations, your own reaction is what controls the outcome of an interaction. 

I realised that in most interactions with my teenager which went south most of the time it was my reaction that caused it. If I had been calmer and more reasonable then perhaps the interaction would be better. I must put it out here that compared to many teenagers my child is a saint. So for her to rebel and shout at me is very unlike her but there have been times when I really wanted to give her away.

 So is there any checklist one can tick off in order to have a successful relationship with your teen. I have asked many friends with teen boys and girls and based on what they have said here are a few pointers:-

1. Stay calm no matter what.

2. Make sure you parent as a unit. Make a list of deal-breakers in advance and both parents stick to it. Don't bad mouth your partner/spouse to the kids whatever happens even as a joke. Your relationship problems are not theirs. They need a safety net in a chaotic world, be that safety net.

3. Expect their peers and friends to be more important in their lives than you. It is part of the evolutionary genetic code for survival. You can best give them the values you want them to have and give them a good peer group to interact with.

4. Never ever criticize their friends. Because if you do even if they agree with you, they will want to stick to them more because it annoys you.

5. Be honest with them always but be nice. They need to know you have their back always regardless.

6. Tell them you love them a million times every day whether they say it to you or not. Teens are always insecure and they need reminding that they are loved regardless of what happens.

7. Remember to keep your prejudices locked away tight or thrown in the trash. The world is changing every day. You are outdated the minute you open your mouth.

8. Above all listen to them genuinely. Turn off your phone and listen when they come to talk. These opportunities will be few and far between. Grab it with both hands.

9. Expect the best from them, and tell them that. The lessons are being absorbed. Give them a stable family life, being happy yourself brings happiness to the family. Teach them to look for possibilities everywhere and keep an open mind.

10. Lead by example. They are watching everything you do and say and are able to pick up the subtlest of hints

Is religious teaching important to our children's development?

The Buddha says "Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it."

Is'nt religion the biggest and the richest franchise? After all every one of them is selling a brand and saying my God is better than yours. Wars have been fought, cultures overturned and countless people have died just for this. Somehow even for the most educated, every sane thought flies out of the window when they perceive that their god is being attacked. With all this background of violence and turmoil happening all around the world, one might be excused for thinking that perhaps religious education is best avoided altogether.

I, on the other hand, have another a contrary point of view. Not unusual for me, because I enjoy a stimulating discussion. Religious education, I believe is key so that our children can question why because just as religion and God cannot explain everything so science cannot as well. Besides religious teaching often gives us a cultural anchoring which otherwise is not possible to give our kids. The feeling of belonging, the lesson of giving, and the opportunity to connect that the religious gatherings give our society is almost invaluable.  

I think the problem in many ways lies in society's parenting skills. Parents usually don't have a deep knowledge of their own religion and depend on teachers of religious studies, who often have only superficial knowledge themselves. Trying to understand a question, and apply what each religious tradition says to the current context is often difficult, so most people take the path of least resistance and use tradition and religious teachings as an excuse not to understand or apply the teachings in context. 

I also think people are not confident in their own beliefs and do not dare to question any tradition aloud so that no one is upset. Humanity in general, is a people pleaser and feels that sticking to tradition is the easiest way not to upset any wheelbarrows. It takes a great deal of courage to think about why we do something, put it in context, question it, and then stand by your conviction. I think society is failing our young people by not allowing them to do this. Therefore religious teaching is narrow and biased because it suits our power brokers to keep people as docile, unquestioning sheep who will follow a set line.

Finally, this brings me to the conclusion that one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the gift of an open questioning mind. A mind that will assimilate what it learns thinks about it and takes the best out of the environment. But without giving them a deep knowledge of what their religion stands for this will not be possible because one needs a base of knowledge from where we begin to question.

It comes down to respect - boundaries

I have had and heard numerous discussions on views and opinions. Each person tries to explain his or her point of view. Finally, it does come down to one thing, how much do we respect another person's efforts or accept that they are struggling wth their problems. I write today in the context of Indian family dynamics. However. this is probably true in any situation where there are large groups of people living and working together. As a society, we do not reward people who achieve their goals work efficiently and try to do their best without moaning. We take advantage of their stiff upper lip and expect more and more of them. So basically we would bring society down to the lowest common denominator. If someone moans about how hard life is they get help and sympathy. Another person in the family or team might have had a harder deal but because they do not fuss they are not supported and not respected. If ever God forbid they drop one of the numerous balls they are juggling, all of hell's fury is heaped on them. Nobody looks at past achievements or efforts only the current errors are seen. Sometimes lip service is paid to the wonderful person they are, but no support is forthcoming. So what are we teaching our children? Moan and groan and do the minimum and people will applaud and say how well you have held up in the circumstances. Work quietly without a fuss and use minimum resources and you will neither get the support or the respect you deserve. We teach our children this lesson very early and most societies give women a raw deal in this. As children, we are expected to be mature, responsible and share everything with our brothers, even if they take a Lion's share of the resources. At work, we must work smarter and harder and male colleagues still take the credit. If we do not put the team ahead of personal gain we are not team players. If men do this they are go-getters. Whether it is at home or at work selfishness wins most of the time. So what is the solution? Firstly, mothers have to learn to stand firm and be as fair as possible. Secondly, teach your girls that the team is important but you are the most important person. If you do not love yourself nobody will. If you do not respect yourself nobody will. So do not be a doormat. Listen and respect other women first and do not let anyone create problems in your team be it at work or at home. In a relationship do not sacrifice yourself completely for the other person because it is expected. Demand respect and use all the resources you need. If you are not asked do not do anything extra, because anything that is given freely is not respected. Yet if you do get something from someone, acknowledge and appreciate it. Giving credit where it is due does not make you a lesser person, but don't give away the credit due to you. Stand with your sisters whether they are blood sisters or not but walk away if you are not respected. The reason for this rant is that I have noticed giving becomes one way if boundaries are not put in place. Parents, partners, children, colleagues, friends all take advantage of people's good nature. Women who elect to stay home with the children get put down and taken advantage of. They are seen as lowly workers who have no right to expect any rewards or respect. But really they might be juggling a whole lot of things and do not get paid for it. Eldercare, child care, home care, entertaining cooking, shopping, etc is all done. Spouses drop demands on them, saying you are not at work. So what if the woman is not bringing home money. She compensates by doing a huge amount of work which if paid for will be too expensive for the family. I have heard rants about people being lazy about not going to work. Sometimes, the person may not have a choice or has made that choice due to circumstances. Having said all of the above, the point I was trying to make is that the grass is always greener on the other side. People who choose to run the home feel that they have a 24/7 job. People who work outside feel pressured because they are wage earners. What we fail to realize that it is a team and boundaries have to be set. When the giving is imbalanced the cart will overturn sometime. Respect is the key. Respect for oneself and for others. Remember do unto others what you would want them to do to you but if others do not reciprocate walk away. Most importantly try to be kind and try not to let other's people opinions of you define you.

Parent-Teacher partnership.....Is that really possible?

I read a book a while ago called "The Smartest kids in the world: And how they got that way." by Amanda Ripley. It talked about the different education systems in the world and the factors that make them successful or not. To sum up the book, the factors that give the children the system that each one of them deserve is high quality of teachers. the social importance of education and just the joy of learning. Every child is inherently a curious being and we as a society manage to kill that inner being by the time they reach grade 3. Parents today, find it difficult to accept their children's teachers as professionals and sometimes with good reasons. Part of this difficulty is because of the quality of the professionals entering the field. Like doctors, teachers and elementary school teachers in particular have a profound and lasting impact on a person's life. Should they not then be the most highly trained and highly paid of all professions? After all, a parent is entrusting their most precious possession to a person who will see them more than the parents themeselves. Teaching is a vocation which wrings out all your energy and talent and leaves you digging deep inside to find that little bit more. But rigid school managements and unrealistic parental expectations dampen a good teacher's enthusiasm and ability to give their best. However, I have also seen that teachers get unduly stressed if a parent approaches them with a suggestion , a worry or a complaint. More often than not a calm, listening ear resolves the issue. Everything is not a battle and parents do appreciate the little extra bits you put in. Part of the reason many teachers get stressed is that the parent maybe right in their worry and the teacher is not giving their best because they do not know how. The demands on a teacher have multiplied with inclusive classrooms and personalised education being the buzzwords. Teaching degrees. now should also include soft skills like how to run a parent teacher conferences, how to defuse angry parents, how to keep lines of communication open. As one really experienced teacher said to me - "As I plan my lesson, I think about how I can make every student feel successful." If teachers and parents also think about how they can make each other and the children feel successful, I think it can be a true partnership.

A letter to my daughter

Dear Ananya, First of all, I love you whatever you do, as you are and whatever you choose to be in the future. This note is only to give you a single piece of advice which nobody gave me but I learnt the hard way.Life is not fair and there will always be others who will get the glory using wrong means. However, all you really need to do is to be true to your character as they are to theirs. At the end of the day you have to look at yourself in the mirror and feel proud of what you are. This does not mean that you let people walk over you, rather it means watch your back, but don't stab others in theirs. If you help people and they do not give you credit remember you chose to help them, so don't expect any. And most of all, love yourself and love whatever you do with a passion. If you are to do a back hand spring keep trying with all your heart and soul till you achieve your goal. Sometimes though you need to let something go for a while and then chase it again with renewed energy. Loving yourself as an individual is something crucial because if you respect and love yourself, you will be happy and will be able to make others happy. Just doing things for others at the expense of yourself will only make you resentful and unhappy and finally physically stressed out and ill. Be passionate about who you are and what you do but remember not to hurt people or this world intentionally. When you apologise, mean it and try to remember not to do it again and most importantly try never never to lie to yourself or others even if it means people getting upset with you. I know I say these things everyday to you but this note is just so that you can refer to all my nags when I am not there. Lots and lots of love and hugs Mommmy

Teaching Assistants - The valuable resource that is overlooked.

Classrooms today, particularly the lower grades have hidden gems called the Teaching Assistants. Sometimes, these are teachers in training but more often than not mothers of school age children who take up a job to match their children's school hours. Talk to them, and they will tell you that they stay, because they enjoy the company of the kids, long after their own grow up. But they are not given any credit for the work they do, simply because they do not have the requisite degree. This is in spite of the fact they spend far more time with each child, and will remember what each child is doing or has done. The teacher dumps a whole lot of responsibility on them, and some are far more experienced in the classroom than the newly qualified teacher.

I am now beginning to believe that a good Teaching Assistant can help your child far more than the teacher. In fact in some classes the kids have a far warmer relationship with the TAs than with the teacher. Unfortunately, the TAs have little or no room to take any decisions or even comment, come what may. This brings the classroom to a standstill.  I have seen young teachers with hardly any experience speaking very rudely to the TA who have at least 6 plus more experience than them. This ruins the atmosphere in the class and the children are affected. The TAs are expected to shoulder responsibility, but get no share of the praise. With the concept of streaming the class teacher brushes off parent questions with a simple "I don't know" which I think is not acceptable. Our teachers did not have assistants and they had 65 children in each class, and they knew the children. Now teachers crib if there are more than 25 and claim that they cannot manage even with assistants.

The school managements have to have some kind of guidelines for division of responsibility and weightage for experience. The teaching assistants must get more credit for all the work they put it for it is they who are the unsung heroes of the classroom.