Is religious teaching important to our children's development?

The Buddha says "Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it."

Is'nt religion the biggest and the richest franchise? After all every one of them is selling a brand and saying my God is better than yours. Wars have been fought, cultures overturned and countless people have died just for this. Somehow even for the most educated, every sane thought flies out of the window when they perceive that their god is being attacked. With all this background of violence and turmoil happening all around the world, one might be excused for thinking that perhaps religious education is best avoided altogether.

I, on the other hand, have another a contrary point of view. Not unusual for me, because I enjoy a stimulating discussion. Religious education, I believe is key so that our children can question why because just as religion and God cannot explain everything so science cannot as well. Besides religious teaching often gives us a cultural anchoring which otherwise is not possible to give our kids. The feeling of belonging, the lesson of giving, and the opportunity to connect that the religious gatherings give our society is almost invaluable.  

I think the problem in many ways lies in society's parenting skills. Parents usually don't have a deep knowledge of their own religion and depend on teachers of religious studies, who often have only superficial knowledge themselves. Trying to understand a question, and apply what each religious tradition says to the current context is often difficult, so most people take the path of least resistance and use tradition and religious teachings as an excuse not to understand or apply the teachings in context. 

I also think people are not confident in their own beliefs and do not dare to question any tradition aloud so that no one is upset. Humanity in general, is a people pleaser and feels that sticking to tradition is the easiest way not to upset any wheelbarrows. It takes a great deal of courage to think about why we do something, put it in context, question it, and then stand by your conviction. I think society is failing our young people by not allowing them to do this. Therefore religious teaching is narrow and biased because it suits our power brokers to keep people as docile, unquestioning sheep who will follow a set line.

Finally, this brings me to the conclusion that one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the gift of an open questioning mind. A mind that will assimilate what it learns thinks about it and takes the best out of the environment. But without giving them a deep knowledge of what their religion stands for this will not be possible because one needs a base of knowledge from where we begin to question.

It comes down to respect - boundaries

I have had and heard numerous discussions on views and opinions. Each person tries to explain his or her point of view. Finally, it does come down to one thing, how much do we respect another person's efforts or accept that they are struggling wth their problems. I write today in the context of Indian family dynamics. However. this is probably true in any situation where there are large groups of people living and working together. As a society, we do not reward people who achieve their goals work efficiently and try to do their best without moaning. We take advantage of their stiff upper lip and expect more and more of them. So basically we would bring society down to the lowest common denominator. If someone moans about how hard life is they get help and sympathy. Another person in the family or team might have had a harder deal but because they do not fuss they are not supported and not respected. If ever God forbid they drop one of the numerous balls they are juggling, all of hell's fury is heaped on them. Nobody looks at past achievements or efforts only the current errors are seen. Sometimes lip service is paid to the wonderful person they are, but no support is forthcoming. So what are we teaching our children? Moan and groan and do the minimum and people will applaud and say how well you have held up in the circumstances. Work quietly without a fuss and use minimum resources and you will neither get the support or the respect you deserve. We teach our children this lesson very early and most societies give women a raw deal in this. As children, we are expected to be mature, responsible and share everything with our brothers, even if they take a Lion's share of the resources. At work, we must work smarter and harder and male colleagues still take the credit. If we do not put the team ahead of personal gain we are not team players. If men do this they are go-getters. Whether it is at home or at work selfishness wins most of the time. So what is the solution? Firstly, mothers have to learn to stand firm and be as fair as possible. Secondly, teach your girls that the team is important but you are the most important person. If you do not love yourself nobody will. If you do not respect yourself nobody will. So do not be a doormat. Listen and respect other women first and do not let anyone create problems in your team be it at work or at home. In a relationship do not sacrifice yourself completely for the other person because it is expected. Demand respect and use all the resources you need. If you are not asked do not do anything extra, because anything that is given freely is not respected. Yet if you do get something from someone, acknowledge and appreciate it. Giving credit where it is due does not make you a lesser person, but don't give away the credit due to you. Stand with your sisters whether they are blood sisters or not but walk away if you are not respected. The reason for this rant is that I have noticed giving becomes one way if boundaries are not put in place. Parents, partners, children, colleagues, friends all take advantage of people's good nature. Women who elect to stay home with the children get put down and taken advantage of. They are seen as lowly workers who have no right to expect any rewards or respect. But really they might be juggling a whole lot of things and do not get paid for it. Eldercare, child care, home care, entertaining cooking, shopping, etc is all done. Spouses drop demands on them, saying you are not at work. So what if the woman is not bringing home money. She compensates by doing a huge amount of work which if paid for will be too expensive for the family. I have heard rants about people being lazy about not going to work. Sometimes, the person may not have a choice or has made that choice due to circumstances. Having said all of the above, the point I was trying to make is that the grass is always greener on the other side. People who choose to run the home feel that they have a 24/7 job. People who work outside feel pressured because they are wage earners. What we fail to realize that it is a team and boundaries have to be set. When the giving is imbalanced the cart will overturn sometime. Respect is the key. Respect for oneself and for others. Remember do unto others what you would want them to do to you but if others do not reciprocate walk away. Most importantly try to be kind and try not to let other's people opinions of you define you.

Parent-Teacher partnership.....Is that really possible?

I read a book a while ago called "The Smartest kids in the world: And how they got that way." by Amanda Ripley. It talked about the different education systems in the world and the factors that make them successful or not. To sum up the book, the factors that give the children the system that each one of them deserve is high quality of teachers. the social importance of education and just the joy of learning. Every child is inherently a curious being and we as a society manage to kill that inner being by the time they reach grade 3. Parents today, find it difficult to accept their children's teachers as professionals and sometimes with good reasons. Part of this difficulty is because of the quality of the professionals entering the field. Like doctors, teachers and elementary school teachers in particular have a profound and lasting impact on a person's life. Should they not then be the most highly trained and highly paid of all professions? After all, a parent is entrusting their most precious possession to a person who will see them more than the parents themeselves. Teaching is a vocation which wrings out all your energy and talent and leaves you digging deep inside to find that little bit more. But rigid school managements and unrealistic parental expectations dampen a good teacher's enthusiasm and ability to give their best. However, I have also seen that teachers get unduly stressed if a parent approaches them with a suggestion , a worry or a complaint. More often than not a calm, listening ear resolves the issue. Everything is not a battle and parents do appreciate the little extra bits you put in. Part of the reason many teachers get stressed is that the parent maybe right in their worry and the teacher is not giving their best because they do not know how. The demands on a teacher have multiplied with inclusive classrooms and personalised education being the buzzwords. Teaching degrees. now should also include soft skills like how to run a parent teacher conferences, how to defuse angry parents, how to keep lines of communication open. As one really experienced teacher said to me - "As I plan my lesson, I think about how I can make every student feel successful." If teachers and parents also think about how they can make each other and the children feel successful, I think it can be a true partnership.

A letter to my daughter

Dear Ananya, First of all, I love you whatever you do, as you are and whatever you choose to be in the future. This note is only to give you a single piece of advice which nobody gave me but I learnt the hard way.Life is not fair and there will always be others who will get the glory using wrong means. However, all you really need to do is to be true to your character as they are to theirs. At the end of the day you have to look at yourself in the mirror and feel proud of what you are. This does not mean that you let people walk over you, rather it means watch your back, but don't stab others in theirs. If you help people and they do not give you credit remember you chose to help them, so don't expect any. And most of all, love yourself and love whatever you do with a passion. If you are to do a back hand spring keep trying with all your heart and soul till you achieve your goal. Sometimes though you need to let something go for a while and then chase it again with renewed energy. Loving yourself as an individual is something crucial because if you respect and love yourself, you will be happy and will be able to make others happy. Just doing things for others at the expense of yourself will only make you resentful and unhappy and finally physically stressed out and ill. Be passionate about who you are and what you do but remember not to hurt people or this world intentionally. When you apologise, mean it and try to remember not to do it again and most importantly try never never to lie to yourself or others even if it means people getting upset with you. I know I say these things everyday to you but this note is just so that you can refer to all my nags when I am not there. Lots and lots of love and hugs Mommmy

Teaching Assistants - The valuable resource that is overlooked.

Classrooms today, particularly the lower grades have hidden gems called the Teaching Assistants. Sometimes, these are teachers in training but more often than not mothers of school age children who take up a job to match their children's school hours. Talk to them, and they will tell you that they stay, because they enjoy the company of the kids, long after their own grow up. But they are not given any credit for the work they do, simply because they do not have the requisite degree. This is in spite of the fact they spend far more time with each child, and will remember what each child is doing or has done. The teacher dumps a whole lot of responsibility on them, and some are far more experienced in the classroom than the newly qualified teacher.

I am now beginning to believe that a good Teaching Assistant can help your child far more than the teacher. In fact in some classes the kids have a far warmer relationship with the TAs than with the teacher. Unfortunately, the TAs have little or no room to take any decisions or even comment, come what may. This brings the classroom to a standstill.  I have seen young teachers with hardly any experience speaking very rudely to the TA who have at least 6 plus more experience than them. This ruins the atmosphere in the class and the children are affected. The TAs are expected to shoulder responsibility, but get no share of the praise. With the concept of streaming the class teacher brushes off parent questions with a simple "I don't know" which I think is not acceptable. Our teachers did not have assistants and they had 65 children in each class, and they knew the children. Now teachers crib if there are more than 25 and claim that they cannot manage even with assistants.

The school managements have to have some kind of guidelines for division of responsibility and weightage for experience. The teaching assistants must get more credit for all the work they put it for it is they who are the unsung heroes of the classroom.

The thin blue/red/purple line. What is a challenge and what is pressure?

For NYPD the Thin Blue Line was a phrase used by officers to describe an unwritten rule - not to rat on fellow officers who may have committed a crime. In other words it was a synonym for a cover up.An officer would retreat behind a wall of silence or simply not do the needful investigation if a fellow cop was a suspect, come hell or high water. I am using the phrase to mean the line between what educators call pushing and what is a challenge.
Now there are many schools of thought here. Many educators in the last decade have advocated strictly positive reinforcements messages to get the child to do what is required. But I feel that is not enough because it is like tarring everyone with same brush. Most kids today are far smarter than their parents and teachers in many ways and know when to push the right buttons. And we all have to admit that kids are hard work whether smart or not since they keep you off balance all the time. No day will be the same as the one gone by or the one that is coming. Now here is where the teachers come in. Before I make my point I must pause to say that being a teacher or a doctor can never be just a job or a career since both professions wield an enormous amount of influence on people's lives. A good teacher can make a child rise far above his or her intrinsic ability.  My problem is that most educators view this as just a another job. I feel if we give the children the opportunity to learn they will regardless This is an effort which the teacher has to put in. They have to get involved and they have to feel and they have to intuitively assess where the child is, to offer him or her better challenges. Self motivation is not something a six year old or even a ten year old has, somebody has to do it for them. If parents and educators wait for this it may be too late.

Unfortunately, to cover up what they are lacking, there is an astonishing amount of stonewalling by the schools. They seem to want to bring everything done to the lowest common denominator and will try as much as they can to avoid or discourage questions. I can hear the collective gasp of outrage across the teaching community here and though I know some very good teachers the above is what perhaps most parents have come to experience. No supervisor or deputy head or principal will admit any wrong by the staff and yet nothing changes. What is worse they discourage the parents from expecting more from the child. Somewhere there seems to be a disconnect. Why is it so wrong to expect your child to work a little more than what is strictly required? Life is no ball game when they grow up and if they learn to give their best and expect no less effort from themselves then they will be better adults in society when they are older.

Take Amy Chua book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother". A lot has been said about her methods but if we look at it objectively it was just a memoir of her efforts and her mistakes. But there a big lesson in that for all parents. While genius come at a price it is not wrong to expect the best from your child. If we can find a method where we praise and reprimand equally and at the right time the kids actually respect and love you more. So Amy Chua's methods were definitely pressure but getting your child to buckle down and do some extra work every day, even if it is for 1/2 hour is not. I have personally seen the joy and the sense of achievement my daughter has when I do not let her give in when she finds something hard. So mums please do not listen to the teacher alone- sometimes your instincts work better. Besides no child comes with a handbook and every child has different abilities. Celebrate that and above all do not let them give up!!

Third country children- are they truly global or just lost

Dubai is a city of contrasts, a huge salad rather than a melting pot. It is a city where each community retains its identity and its ties while living together with others. So what happens to the children born here and who grow up here. Here is my take on their life as third country children. The children in Dubai grow up rather privileged. A mother once commented that when she takes her children back home, they come across very naive compared to the children there. The exact quote was "Dehatis in branded clothes" which translates as village bumpkins in branded clothes. In some ways it is very true since the majority of the children here have things done for them. It is a wonderful place for doing a lot of stuff but teaches very little in terms of life skills. Our children grow up sometimes very unaware of life. Also there is no sense of belonging in a way. The country they were born in and brought up in considers them aliens. The country whose passport they hold treats them like that. They have no flag to salute, no national anthem to sing. While one may argue that this is a great opportunity to transcend national borders, our children can do so only if this beautiful country was more of a melting pot. Instead it is like a giant salad, where each portion is distinct and untouched by the character and quality of the others. Perhaps one can go as far as to say that Dubai is home to various ghettos. Each nationality does not really mix with the others nor adopts any of the culture. Arabic should have been second language to these kids. Instead they barely know how to read and write and not speak it at all. What a tragedy this is!!Perhaps here is where we as parents need to stop and think whether we are truly giving our children the international experience. But I also feel that unless one learns to appreciate one's own culture and traditions one finds it hard to appreciate the other. What do we need to do to give our children a sense of identity and of belonging? I have still to find the answer. If only I can help my child to be part of the melting pot and fully appreciate our own culture will I feel my child is a global citizen, completely at ease with various nationalities and able to appreciate the similarities and accept the differences.